Karl Welzein is the President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. Follow him @DadBoner.
’Sup. Karl “K-Money” (for mad swag) Welzein here. Comin’ atcha hot ’n ready from Grand Blanc, MI. I’m pretty much the man, and that’s a natural fact, you guys.
February 14th is a stressful time of year for guys in the USA. That’s why I keep it single and ready to mingle until the 15th. It just makes good financial sense. I ain’t one to blow bread on babes just ’cause a calendar says it’s ’Tines Day. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m a big spender. Everyone knows that in my area. Ol’ Karl likes to really spread it around. Gotta respect the ladies, you guys. Whether I’m at Olive Garden with a smokin’ babe who’s got bangin’ chest beefers, or just keepin’ it chillin’ at ’Bee’s with a dynamite gal who’s got a caboose piled high with all the toppings, it’s always my treat. I’ve got class. That’s just how I operate.
A couple nights ago, I kinda felt like shovin’ a gun barrel in my mouth and endin’ it all. No real reason, just the winter blahs I guess. Everyone feels like endin’ it all sometimes. It’s just part of life and shouldn’t be too concerning. Most times, you just need a good Chili’s cheer-me-up. Remember, no need to eat a gun barrel over the winter blahs when it’s sunny and 70 at Chili’s, you guys.
A few nights ago, me and my roommate Dave were rockin’ it at Chili’s with the heat of a thousand suns. Just poundin’ top-shelf margs, bad-boy style. Well, I was. Dave got distracted with some nighttime babe. The big difference between nighttime babes and daytime babes mostly comes down to sunlight bein’ a revealing factor. Dave’s supposed to go out for coffee with her this week. So stupid. Coffee’s a daytime situaish. I think he’s just gonna get roped into some V-Day crap, but he won’t listen. Idiot. Dave’s just blinded by his backed-up guy poison. Gotta be extra careful around ’Tines. There’s alotta lonely ugg-a-mugs out there lookin’ for a free hot meal.
HERE’S K-MONEY’S TIPS ON HOW NOT TO GET BURNED BY SOME LONELY UGG-A-MUG BABE JUST LOOKIN’ FOR A FREE HOT MEAL ON V-DAY:
1. Make sure the babe isn’t some street animal. My wallet ain’t a soup kitchen, you guys.
2. Never go out for coffee. It’s just a waste of time where you sit there listenin’ to boring crap about someone’s “life.” Plus, no carnal passions EVER came out of “gettin’ coffee.” Real adults get bombed together at nighttime. It’s more polite as well ’cause the lighting is more conducive to the appearance of the bod and the grill area of both daytime AND nighttime babes.
HOW TO KEEP IT CHILLIN’ WHEN VISITIN’ A PIECE-OF-GARBAGE PAL IN THE HOSPITAL - by @DadBoner
’Sup. Name’s Karl Welzein, comin’ atcha live and direct from Grand Blanc, MI. Caught some pretty nasty D from a *Totino’s Party Pizza that may or may not have gone bad. Fell out of my grocery bag from Kroger and sat in my backseat for a week or so. Could be longer? Or less longer? Hard to tell. Time just flies when you’re livin’ the all-freedom lifestyle, 24/7, 365, open on Sundays, you guys.
Was kinda questionable ’cause it’s been real cold and crap so anytime the heat wasn’t on in ’Bring, the Tino’s was probably in a safe situaish. But I like to cruise for various purposes including business ventures as well as peepin’ babes on the regular, so in those times the ’Tino’s coulda thawed out and then got refroze several times. No way to be 100 percent. Anyway, pretty sure it gave me ’rrhea, so I gotta write this from the john. Heard a lot of the greats like Hemmingway wrote crap on the toilet for peace and sanctuary. Kinda cool?
So, sometime around when I first purchased the ’Tino’s ’a, we were rockin’ it with the heat of a thousand suns to show respect for my main man Guy Fieri’s b-day. Everything was on point. Then my pal Crazy Cooter came by with two fifths of Beam. Said he “brought one for the slizz and one for the dampness!” Guess he wasn’t informed that no babes were at the celebraish. Cooter got kinda steamed and pounded a fifth himself. Then pulled a copy of the XXX guy mag, Cheri—pretty raunchy… I’m more of a Penthouse man. Always have been, since way back—out of his waistband and said, “If you don’t got no slampigs comin’ by, then I’m just gonna rock it,” and went in the john for solo carnal passions.
Cooter was in there for a while. Figured he was havin’ guy troubles with his peener & veggies so I just made myself a tall Beam & ice and hit the sack. Smooth sippin’ with Jim + a soft pillow = dreams of majesty. Do the math, your highness.
Introducing Power Moves by Karl Welzein, a new column from twitter’s @DadBoner.
HOW NOT TO GET BURNED BY FAKE COMPUTER BABES LIKE THAT MANTI TE’O WEIRDO
‘Sup. Name’s Karl Welzein, hailing from Grand Blanc, MI. If you’re chill, pretty much everyone knows me as “Captain Karl,” but on the streets, the smooth soul brothers call me “K-Money” due to my mad swag.
A few ticks back, I decided to get into the online computer dating scene ‘cause I kinda burned through all the local babes in my area. I style and profile 24/7, 365, open on Sundays, so they all crave my touch. It’s natural and consensual when you’re livin’ the bad boy lifestyle.
Also, my roommate Dave told me he’s on a break from solo carnal passions ‘til he has a nocturnal emish, ‘cause he heard Sting does it to cleanse his bod from erotic clogs of the past. Dave’s such a grossout. I told him, “past eroticisms shouldn’t be purged from the mind. A real man saves ‘em up for when you’re in a situaish without babe opportunities.” Can’t live that way. Dave maybe can bottle up his guy urges, but it’s not healthy when you’re 100% all beef with High-T like myself.